


Ghost Of You

by L4sht0n



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mentions of Death, Songfic, i cried, inspiried by ghost of you duh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 08:37:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17895149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L4sht0n/pseuds/L4sht0n
Summary: "So I drown it out like I always doDancing through our house"Luke was a mess, he knew it as well, but he didn't know how to fix it."With the ghost of youAnd I chase it down"He'd give anything to have Ashton back, but the world didn't work like that."With a shot of truthThat my feet don't danceLike they did with you"So he was forced to keep living in an unbearable reality without Ashton. And Luke wasn't fine with that.





	Ghost Of You

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this on wattpad under @-Night-Stalker-
> 
> I'm sorry for ever writing this, I ruined the song for myself, and I cried like 20 times writing this (not even kidding.) I'm not okay, and Luke's not either.

Luke wasn't just a mess. Because you could clean up a mess. Luke wasn't broken, because he was beyond repair. Imagine something so messed up, so fucked up, so ruined - it's not twisted any more. It's just sad. That's how one would describe Luke Hemmings.

He was a dead zombie. A caffeine addict. An alcoholic. A walking tragedy. A mess - but not just any mess. That kind of mess when you can tell a human has hit their lowest point in life. And there is no turning back.

As if destiny had decided someone already used up their x numbered happy days. That kind of mess when a person's life suddenly take a drastic U-turn. From happiness to brutal sadness.

He wouldn't just be fine. He couldn't.

Because Luke was missing a part of his life. Missing his half, his better half, maybe?

Luke woke up to an empty double bed, still not used to the space. To the silence. To the cold. The blond never could imagine himself being used to it. How could you go years with waking up to someone's beautiful face, until one day - to you don't? One day waking up to an empty bed, knowing it will never be as filled as it once was.

Some people would say that only a month had passed, and Luke couldn't expect to get used to it so soon. But Luke knew - he knew that even if it took a year, ten years or a whole life - he would never feel normal waking up without Ashton.

The hangover was fresh, but at this point Luke just didn't care. It was the only way to deal with it. Drown all his feelings and thoughts in the alcohol. The headache pounded like crazy, so the male slowly walked into the kitchen.

For a moment he could see Ashton standing there making them breakfast to them both. Dancing to the stupid music who played from the radio. A content smile on his face as he flipped the pancakes. While he pretended he didn't notice Luke who observed him. And Luke who crept up to his side to give him a kiss. The house was quiet, so quiet without him, but Luke could practically hear Ashton's laughter. Because always did that. Telling Ashton how much he loves- loved him.

His eyes looked at the kitchen once more, and he felt a thug at his heart. Because Ashton wasn't there. And he never would be. Not anymore.

Luke tried to ignore the feelings. The feeling of loneliness, the feeling of emptiness. The feeling of loss, grief, sadness, anger. All of it. Instead, he found something for his head and grabbed a cup at random, to fill with water. He should probably do the dishes, because he hadn't cleaned it since last week. Or was it the week before that? And last time Calum was the one who did them. But Luke couldn't find it in him too care. There was no one around to impress, to live with, to see his house. Because Ashton wasn't here.

It was just when he was about to take a sip of the water, he realized that this was Ashton's cup. The one the brunet always used to drink from. It still smelled coffee, it seemed like the smell was unable to wash off. Tears pricked in his eyes, rolling down his cheeks. Because it smelled like Ashton, it reminded him of Ashton. And it was all too painful.

Luke took the painkiller, and even though it did its work, it didn't take away the pain in his chest.

Nothing did. Because no matter what Luke did or said, it wouldn't bring Ashton back. Luke aimlessly walked around their- his house. Ending up at the living room. The room held to many memories, so he quickly exited the room before finding himself on the balcony. Worst fucking idea.

Because once again he could see the silhouette of Ashton there. He could see the brunet, smiling so wide that it could break his face, while tears streamed down his face. Nodding frantically again and again, telling Luke he would marry him. Luke remember when he proposed, of course he did!, the smile on Ashton's face. His equally big smile, when Ashton agreed.

Too bad, they never made it to the wedding. Or never would.

Luke could see the whole scenery in front of him. Even when Ashton kissed him so passionately, Luke was sure his lungs couldn't take it. The taste of Ashton's lips was now just a vague memory. A feeling close to being forgotten.  
The blond couldn't take it. A quiet yelp escaped his lips, and Ashton's favorite cup fell to the floor and broke. Just like Luke's heart, when the doctors told him Ashton had passed away.

His feet betrayed him, and Luke collapsed on the balcony, crying his heart out. Knowing that he'd end the day crying as well.  
The pain didn't fade away, but the crying did. For the moment. It seemed like the only thing Luke had done since the visit at the hospital was cry.

He couldn't even make it to the funeral because he was a mess. The blond didn't even want to go, because he'd only get the half-assed condolences. People telling him Ashton was in a better place. Luke didn't want Ashton to be in a better place, he wanted him here.

He was able to move away from the balcony to the sofa, not caring about Ashton's coffee cup. It was gone now, just like his fiancé.

Last night's whiskey bottle was still on the table, and honestly, Luke didn't care anymore. He didn't care when he started drinking anymore, because he knew he'd do it eventually. Luke knew that at the end of the day he'd end up drunk, so he didn't have to think of Ashton.

Though the sad truth was that when Luke was drunk he called Ashton's old phone. Sent text messages to a dead number. Because his drunken mind forgot why Ashton wasn't there.

Luke poured himself a glass, and swallowed the burning beverage in an instant.

"He's never coming back," he had to remind himself, and he broke down crying on the sofa.

Because Ashton was the one. He was Luke's true love. And he was gone, forever. Ashton wasn't even dying or had an illness, he just happened to be in a fatal car accident. Irony was that the drunk driver survived. Life just wasn't fair. It was so un-fucking-fair. The worst part was that you could spend your whole life doing good deeds for others, and your house would still be caught on fire.

When Ashton died, Luke's happiness did too.

People told him that he was too young to know if Ashton was the one. But Luke knew. Luke knew Ashton was his true love, and he wasn't interested in anyone else after Ashton. Because they could never compare to him.  
People told Luke he would love again, but they all lied. Because Luke would never to be able to move on from Ashton. He would never be fine again.

Luke tried to drown out the thoughts of Ashton. Like he always did, lately this days. Drown out his thought, so he couldn't swim in them. So he couldn't choke on them, suffocate. Instead, he choked a sob, while crying on his sofa once again.

A hour later, - or maybe two. Maybe a day later, Luke didn't know. He couldn't keep track of time anymore. All he knew that he cried, drunk and went to sleep. - Calum entered his house with the spare key, or what used to be Ashton's.

"Have you been drinking again?" the black haired male sighed. "When was the last time you had a shower, and please change clothes." Calum hated seeing his best friend in this state. Luke was a train wreck after Ashton's death. A train wreck so fucked up people couldn't tell it was a train in the first place.

"Yeah, I've been drinking. But I only took a ... couple. I promise. Please don't be mad" Luke started crying, or maybe continued.

"When was the last time you showered?" Calum didn't want to be mean to his friend, but there was a certain time a person could go without showering, and Luke had definitely passed the limit.

"I don't know, when was the last time you were here?"

"Luke, that's a week ago! Have you been eating?"

"Yeah, I ate something two days ago? Three days? I don't know, it's all a blur," Luke murmured.

"Dude, you're a mess." Honestly, Calum didn't like Luke living by his own because he obviously wasn't taking care of himself. But Calum was unable to let Luke live with him, or come by every day, He tried contacting Luke's family, explaining the situation. But they all said Luke had to get over the heart break.

Calum hadn't meant for Luke to hear those words, but he obviously did when he replied with a quiet "I know." The black haired sighed, before forcing Luke into the shower, while he himself prepared a meal for Luke, and did some of the cleaning.

"It smells good Ash," Luke said when he came back, his voice happy for once. A sparkle in his eyes, and a small smile painting his features. But it fell quickly, just as his heart did when he realized Ashton was no longer breathing. "Oh," was all Luke said before he started crying. Because Ashton wasn't the one making him food. It was Calum. Ashton wasn't even here.

Calum pretended as if he didn't hear it, and also pretended he didn't hear Luke scolding himself. Saying stuff, as he's dead.

The sad truth Luke just couldn't face. Luke obviously knew it, but he couldn't accept it. That Ashton was gone forever. That Luke was supposed to go the rest of his life without Ashton. He couldn't even do one month, how was he supposed to do this forever?

Funny, how Luke thought Ashton and he used to have forever.

Calum dragged the blond into a hug, holding him tightly. Comforting him, though the black-haired male knew whatever he said it wouldn't do much. Luke wet another one of his t-shirt, but Calum didn't mind. Because he Luke had the need to cry. Calum had to.  
Calum had the need to cry, because he lost his best friend in a car crash, but he couldn't allow himself to cry. He had to be strong for Luke's sake.

When Luke's crying ended Calum was able to make him eat some soup. It took some time but Luke did finish the bowl.

"You can't keep living here you know," Calum said after several minutes of silence. "You have to move out of here. I don't think it's healthy for you to live here, reliving the memories of you and Ash."

"Don't wanna live anywhere else, just wanna leave with Ash," Luke mumbled. Looking down at the empty bowl. It was as empty as the house without Ashton.

"Dude, I get it. But I think we should go through his stuff and throw out the things you don't need. I think it'll help you move on."

"I don't want to move on. I can't move on, I just want to be left alone."

"I understand, Luke. I understand you can't move on from Ash, but I can't leave you alone, you'd die. You aren't able to take care of yourself." Calum hoped Luke could see how worried he was about him, but Luke was so far down he couldn't see anything but sadness.

"Sometimes, I want to die," Luke murmured so low, Calum didn't hear it. And if he did he ignored it, because Luke was still tipsy from the alcohol.

"We're going through some of his stuff now, and we can later continue on the house, I've already found you a nice apartment," Calum rambled, "it's closer to me and Mike's so I'd be able to check on you. And when fall comes around, you can continue studying medicine." Luke only nodded, though he knew it didn't matter how much medicine he studied, there was none for broken hearts.

It took Calum almost twenty minutes to convince Luke that they'd go through some of Ashton's stuff. Though Luke only agreed to do one box. It was too painful to look at all of it. Calum took the first box, and Luke honestly didn't even know what was inside it. He'd just taken everything that reminded him of Ashton and stuffed it into boxes.  
Which was basically the entire house.

The first box was going to be a fucking nightmare. Luke could already tell when he opened the box. The first thing he took out was Ashton's year books. Luke couldn't help but look at Ashton's picture, unfortunately finding his senior book.  
Damn, what Luke would give to have Ashton back here with him.

He'd give his eye, a leg, he'd give his house or his car. He was willing to give up anything to have Ashton here, but that wouldn't make Ashton come back. And Luke knew this.

It was the sad truth.

The truth Luke couldn't seem to tell himself enough times.

Ashton was fucking dead.

And that was not fucking ok.

"Fuck," Luke muttered when he saw the dorky picture of an eighteen year old Ashton. His fingertips traced his face, closing the book quickly before his tears could ruin the picture.

"Wanna keep it?" Cal asked so calmly, and honestly Luke had kind of forgotten he was by his side. He nodded for some time before he chocked out a yeah, before digging through the box. The next thing in the box wasn't much better.

"Fuck," Luke cursed once again. It was his old Zeppelin shirt. It was originally Luke's, but at some point it became Ashton's. And Luke loved it when Ashton wore it. Luke sobbed and buried his face in the shirt, it still smelled of Ashton, which only made it worse.

Why was this so fucking hard?

Why did Ashton leave him such a mess?

Why was his heart broken beyond repair?

Why was Ashton gone, but his presence still here?

Why did Ashton leave, but Luke was stuck here alone?

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Luke looked inside the box and saw the all of the cute notes Ashton used to leave him.

Dinner's in the fridge, love you so much Lukey <3

Have a good day at work :)

Good morning beautiful, hope you have a nice day <3

Hey Luke, just wanted to tell you I love you - Ash

I'm so excited for you to come home after your trip! I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the airport :( Hope you had a nice trip, I love you so fucking much. I missed you a lot though it was only three days, hehe <3 - Ash

I love waking up to your face, and I'll love it when we're old and grey as well

Luke couldn't handle reading more of them. The tears was already falling down his face like the fucking Nigeria waterfall. He dug more around and found something even worse. It was the note Luke had scribbled down his number when he and Ashton met. It was almost eight years ago, and Luke didn't even know Ashton had kept it. Apparently he had.

Luke could remember when he met Ashton, he'd been so cute and awkward it was hard not to love it. And when Ashton had asked for his number, tumbling over the sentence Luke couldn't help but give it to Ashton. He was such a cutie-pie back then. Throughout their eight years Ashton continued being cute and awkward, be Luke learned that Ashton also could be hot. So fucking hot.

But now Ashton was cold. Stone cold, buried six feet below ground.

"Cal, I'll just keep it all," Luke murmured when the last thing in the box was pictures of him and Ashton. That one summer they'd gone out to buy the paper, but ended up on a road trip throughout Aussie.

"Yeah, I see why," Calum said, not wanting to make Luke do anything against his will. "I'll call you later, please respond this time. Even if you're drunk. I'll come by in a few days. Oh, and Mikey will probably stop by tomorrow. I'll see you." With that Calum left the house, after Luke followed him to the door.

When Calum drove out his drive way, Luke broke down crying again. He couldn't take this anymore. It was all too much, Luke couldn't handle to live with the pain. No one had what Ashton had. Luke couldn't continue his life like this.

He and Ashton had it all planned out. Luke was going to be a doctor, and Ashton was finishing up his degree, ready to be a psychiatrist. They already lived in a house, and were going to get married as soon as Luke finished his medicine studies. Which would be next summer, hadn't he taken a break from his studies - because of what happened to Ashton.

After the wedding they would have their honeymoon in Paris, because Ashton adored Paris. And probably adopt a few kids when they got more settled. The two of them had even been talking about getting a dog, because Ashton was allergic to cats.

However, every single one of those future plans went down the drain. Luke could still get a dog, and continue studying medicine - but what was the point? What was the point of being a doctor everyday, and not being able to kiss Ashton when he came home from work.

What was the point of getting a dog, when he had no one to argue with about who'd walk the dog? (Though Luke always would end up doing it, because his ass was whipped for Ashton, and they both knew it.) What was the point of doing anything?

Like listening to his favorite bands? Because they also were Ashton's favorite bands. Every single thing Luke did, reminded him of Ashton. Luke couldn't even breath without thinking about Ashton, and his breathing habits.

For example, Ashton used to snore. It wasn't loud at all, it was actually very comforting. It made Luke sleep at night, but now the nights were too quiet. It was funny how Luke spent eight years joking about not being able to sleep because of Ashton's small snoring, but now he couldn't sleep at all because it was too quiet.

The blond walked into the living room yet again picking up a bottle of beer. It was unopened, and had been there since yesterday. Luke opened it and drowned his sorrow in the liquid.

It was silly, really. No matter how much beverage Luke downed, it wouldn't make the sorrow go away. The pain was still there, and would still be there the next morning, along with an ugly headache. But if he could drown out the pain, even only a little.

If he could escape it all, even just a little. He would.

If he could go into a state where he didn't see the memory of Ashton, the ghost of Ashton that lingered on, not only in the house, but also in Luke's heart. If Luke could go to that state where everything felt good for a while, before he remembered everything was not great. And it all became ten times worse. Luke would.

Because he was a fucking idiot.

Because he couldn't live without Ashton.

Because his heart couldn't handle it.

Because he longed for the happy times he had with Ashton, that was now only a memory.

Because he knew he could never be as happy, as he'd been with Ashton.

There was this constant presence of Ashton that lingered own in the house. Even though Luke had removed every picture, every clothing, every item, every single thing that reminded him of Ashton. Even though it was all stuffed into boxes, he could still feel the presence.

Like when he woke up and would see Ashton's face next to his just for a brief while. Or Ashton sleep next to him on the couch. Just those little things.

There was this ghost of Ashton that chased him. Even after his death, Ashton was here with him. But not in the way Luke wanted.

Luke didn't want to spend his life dancing around their house with ghost of Ashton. The small memory of the boy who once had lived. He wanted his fiance alive. To have him breathing, living, smiling and right next to him.

But the seat next to him was empty, and the only thing he had was bottles of beer and stronger alcohol. There was this presence in the house, that told him that it was all dying. And it was.

Ashton was dead, and Luke died a little more every single day he woke up without Ashton. Sometimes he expected Ashton to come through the door, and start telling about his day, while kissing Luke on his cheek. With a big smile on his face, and eyes that sparkled with happiness. Before Ashton would end the monologue with something sappy like: "I've never been more happy than when I'm with you."

And Luke would only stare at his beautiful fiance before kissing him, and telling the boy how much he loved him. Sometimes it felt like his heart was meant for loving Ashton, and it didn't work properly because there was no longer any Ashton to love.

It felt like his purpose in life was to love Ashton, and now that he's gone. Now that he's gone Luke was lost. He didn't know what to do, or what to feel. How could he continue life without Ashton? Luke had spent eight years happy in constant bliss, and now it was expected for him to move on. But life wasn't just terrible. Life was just plain.

Boring, not worth living. It was gray. Dull. Life didn't feel like life. It was a sad illusion. A test to see how miserable you could make someone before they couldn't take it anymore. And Luke could not take it anymore. He was so done. So done pretending there would come a sequel when his story ended when Ashton's did.

He was done pretending that he could move on, that he could go back to being happy. Because his one source for happiness was gone. Truth be told, the day Ashton died, Luke did too. He just kept living on in his body. His body still alive yes, but his heart, soul and mind gone.

Luke couldn't keep "living" like this. Because it wasn't life. He was falling, and nothing could save him from hitting rock bottom. Actually, Luke had already hit rock bottom. And only a week later did he literally hit rock bottom, when he was buried.


End file.
